This blog has become the beneficiary of my absence from Facebook. I made a New Year's resolution to stop using that popular social networking site. Unlike most of my New Year's Resolutions, this one has stuck. I have no plans to reactivate my account.
But this means I don't have any outlet for my miscellaneous thoughts, other than my diary, and (sometimes) the real people I encounter every day-- who usually aren't that interested!
Recently I have been filled with self-doubt about my own beliefs, convictions and passions. It's not so much self-doubt about them, in fact, as about my own holding of them.
I've been reading a book called George Orwell and Religion by Michael G. Brennan. It's interesting, because Orwell himself is interesting.
Orwell (although an atheist) had a complex attitude towards religion. His attitude towards Catholicism, on the other hand, was much more straightforward. He hated it. This hatred sometimes led him to say the most ridiculous and prejudiced things imaginable, which is especially surprising coming from someone as (generally) fair-minded and cool-headed as Orwell.
I've noticed that I don't have the slightest resentment towards Orwell for his anti-Catholicism. It seems like something he could hardly help. Don't we all have such pet hates?
The book, however, made me think not just about pet hates, but about irrational attitudes in general. Perhaps, rather than "irrational", I should say "non-rational".
We can very clearly see other people's lack of rationality. For instance, when it comes to Catholicism in Ireland today, it really seems to be the case that, for a huge amount of people, Catholicism just isn't a live option. Many of my contemporaries have spiritual yearnings, but those yearnings will never carry them over the threshold of a Catholic church. There's something standing in their way: a shudder, a blockage, a visceral reaction. They'll explore pretty much any spiritual tradition except the one they grew up with.
I'm not saying this obstacle is impossible to get past, but I suspect that-- for some considerable time-- it's going to stand in the way of a large-scale return to Catholicism in Ireland.
That's by-the-by, though. In this blog post, I wanted to ponder my own irrational impulses. Perhaps it would be entertaining to list some of them, in no particular order.
1) A yearning for special places and times; for the existence of special places and times. To the extent that I would wish for all times and places to be special, pretty much. (I don't think that's a paradox; things can be special in different ways, and there are degrees of specialness.) The intensity with which I feel this is almost impossible to exaggerate and it seems to go back to my earliest days. It's not so much that I want to experience them, as that I want them to be there. (Here, there, and everywhere.)
2) A deep hatred of rationalisation and standardisation, and a corresponding love of irregularity and idiosyncrasy. Allied to this, an intense love of the particular and a hatred of anything that replaces the particular with the abstract or general.
3) A love of the ordinary, and a corresponding coldness to the exclusive, elite, and prestigious. Unlike many conservatives, I don't take any delight in reading about aristocrats and royalty. I don't like stories about millionaires or billionaires. I have no desire to see palaces, or even cathedrals. I don't want to move to some island untouched by modern life (though I'm glad it exists). I'm interested in Tuesday evening in the suburbs; that's my gold standard.
4) Somewhat in contradiction to number three, a strong distaste for ordinary life when it descends to the lowest common denominator, and is unsalted by the sublime. I mean people "just living their lives"; dedicated to the business of getting and spending, home improvements, clothes, food, private enjoyment, career, holidays, minding their own business. Even though this sort of life would seem to have Scriptural warrant: "Make it your ambition to live a quiet life and attend to your own business", (1 Thessalonians 11).
I'm well aware of everything to be said against this feeling. Isn't there something sublime about human life even in its essentials, like Robinson Crusoe on his island? (Yes.) Should I get to decide whether someone's life is banal? (No.) Given the weight of mortality, sickness, bereavement, and other misfortune hanging over all of us, shouldn't we just be grateful for every person who is reasonably healthy, free in the simplest sense, well-fed, and so on? (Yes, of course.)
And yet...this feeling lingers. I can't even walk through IKEA without feeling depressed. Isn't this part of the reason people complain about consumerism? A sort of closed-in, private existence that reaches towards nothing larger than itself? And yet, how do I know this is true of the crowds in IKEA? Or why shouldn't clothes and food be an avenue to the sublime? Cuisine and dress are fascinating subjects in themselves; one could devote one's entire life to either. I have no satisfying answers for these questions, but my feeling remains.
5) A hunger for what Louis MacNeice famously called "the drunkenness of things being various". It's such a perfect phrase that I don't know how to expand on it.
This gives me something of a schizophrenic attitude to modern, suburban, consumerist life. Sometimes I think advent of television was a disaster, in terms of its effect on society. And yet...I am tremendously interested in television, particularly now that it has its own (bottomless) history. And I feel the same way about most of the phenomena of modern life, such as computer games or the internet.
In all honesty, people today probably have more opportunities than ever to explore specialist interests, form specialist communities, or even make their living in an unusual way. So I can't really wish to go "back to the land", back to a simple agrarian community-- as much as I can see the attraction of that. What we would gain in community and tradition, we would lose in the diversity of life. Would that be a worthwhile trade? I don't think so myself.
There is, however, a sort of diversity which undermines diversity. For instance, shouldn't someone who delights in "the drunkenness of things being various" embrace multiculturalism? Well, maybe, to a certain extent-- to the extent of having a Chinatown, for instance . But it seems clear that, at a certain point (and pretty quickly), multiculturalism actually erodes diversity between countries and regions, and brings more sameness than variety into the world. (Many people have made this point, each apparently arriving at it independently; we really need a snappy formulation to popularise the idea.)
The same principle applies to sex-- even more so, in my view. There is something both primordial and ultimate about the masculine-feminine dichotomy. Attempts to add to it, or to go "beyond" it, only ever diminish and dilute it. That's as much as I'll say about that.
(The last two points I've made, on multiculturalism and sex, are-- I think-- true in themselves, and not examples of irrationalism.)
I could add many more examples of my irrational impulses-- many, many more. But I'll stop there.
My point is-- what validity is there to these impulses, for anyone other than myself? Should I keep them to myself? (I'm not going to, but should I?)
I can think of a couple of reasons they might have merit:
1) Sometimes people feel something in an inchoate way, and lack words to articulate it. I've found this very often myself, particularly when it comes to writers such as G.K. Chesterton. So perhaps I could perform this same service for others.
2) Perhaps it's legitimate to see society as a great battleground of ideas, beliefs, and ideals; everybody brings their own banners and slogans to the battle, and society is all the richer for it-- except for those banners that represent something downright evil. Personally, I like the idea of a great clash and collision of ideas and visions. The idea of a society where everybody agrees on everything is pretty loathsome to me, as it is to most people-- though I rather suspect Catholic integralists and the apostles of political correctness relish it, each in their own way. (But I might be wrong even there. After all, there always seems to be ample scope for debate and disagreement even when there's a large area of consensus.)
If this "ideological battleground" model is legitimate, then I don't have to apologise for advancing my own vision, my own ideals. I can do this in the hope of convincing others, in the hope of discovering allies, or even in the hope that just articulating them adds something to life.
The best format for expressing very personal ideals, "irrational" ideals, is probably poetry. But I can't get anyone to read my poetry, besides one or two friends.
But am I, perhaps, correct to doubt my own ideals (or beliefs, or visions, or dreams) when they are based on such irrational grounds? Should one's beliefs flow from careful reasoning, making every effort to rise above one's own prejudices and passions?
Perhaps. And I think my core beliefs can pass this test. Catholicism seems objectively true to me. As does my belief in democracy, and other things.
But outside those core beliefs, I do have many other attitudes which are frankly irrational-- like the ones I've listed above. I think everybody does. And I think it's important to accept this, and take it into account. What you do with them after that is another question.