The Late Ted Bonner

More than ten years ago, I wrote this article about Don't Shoot, I'm Not Well!, an excellent book of humorous essays by the late (indeed, the Late Late) Ted Bonner, who died in 2002.

I think he's a much-undervalued Irish humourist. He doesn't even have a Wikipedia page!

I've been doing some research on Mr. Bonner but I've hit a bit of a wall. So-- this is a long shot, but if any relatives or close friends of Ted Bonner come upon this blog post, could you get in touch? My email address is Maolsheachlann@gmail.com.

Mr. Bonner was a frequent guest on The Late Late Show, and even presented it once. Hence the reference above.

(And maybe this appeal is not such a long shot after all. My poem on a record-breaking snooker marathon that occurred in Preston Polytechnic in 1981-- or, more accurately, a photograph of the post-marathon celebrations from an old Guinness Book of Records-- gleaned, over a few years, three comments from people who had been in attendance, including one of the record-breakers.)

The School of No Escape

What happens when a mysterious new headmistress called Miss Voor takes over a girl's school called St. Juniper's and starts making mysterious changes?

Well, you can find out by reading The School of No Escape, a serialized story from the comic Misty which appeared in full in the Misty Annual 1979, free to read on the Internet Archive. It begins on page sixteen. It's pretty good. I like stories set in schools and other self-contained environments.

(I was curious to see if there was actually a St. Juniper. There is, kind of. Brother Juniper was the name of one of St. Francis's original companions. He's never even been made venerable, but the famous Franciscan missionary St. Junípero Serra was given his name when he joined the Order. Whether the writers knew this, or whether they just plucked the name out of the air, who knows?)

To a Shopping Channel Presenter

I was scanning through my blog archives and came across this bit of silliness. I rarely engage in free verse, but this is one of those rare occasions, and I'm mildly fond of it. It's not a satire on consumerism or anything lame like that.

To a Shopping Channel Presenter

I'm sincerely sorry that I can't afford
To buy your non-stick frying pan.
But listening to your evangelical zeal
Makes me strangely happy.

We seem to live in an age without belief;
An age, it often seems,
Where socialists don't believe in society
Liberals don't believe in freedom
And Christians don't believe in God.

But you!
You believe in this non-stick frying pan
(And the free spice rack, if you phone in the next hour)
More than anyone has ever believed in anything.

I get the impression, hearing your excitement,
That if everybody bought this non-stick frying pan
All the wars of the world would cease
Dandruff would go away
And teenagers would never fight with their parents again.

Alas, alas, I cannot afford to buy it.
And the agents who are just waiting for my call
Are destined to wait
And wait
And paint their nails
And look out the window
And say to one another, mournfully,
"I don't think that he's ever going to call."

My Two Reasons for Reading

I've noticed that I read (watch YouTube videos, etc.) for two main reasons:

1) To learn something.

2) To savour an atmosphere.

I get annoyed at myself for the second motive. What do I ultimately get out of it? That's what I ask myself.

Recently I became very drawn to the whole idea of "campus horror". I read a horror novel set in a university and watched two horror films set in a university. I wanted to savour the atmosphere. But then I feel a bit guilty, thinking: what do I take away from it? What did I get from it? How am I enriched or improved?

Of course, you can both learn and savour an atmosphere at once. Sometimes I start reading a particular author or blogger (or just a book) to learn something, but then revisit it to savour the atmosphere. I can't seem to liberate myself from this preoccupation with atmosphere, and I'm not even sure I want to.

Effort Inflation

If you can give 101 per cent, then why are you holding back on 110 per cent?

And if you're giving 110 per cent, why not 200 per cent?

And if 200 per cent...

Maybe we should just keep (or rather, restore) 100 per cent as the ceiling.

(No Nigel Tufnel references, please.)

People Should Use Their Titles

I've just been watching an interview with a bishop (on a Catholic TV show). The host was addressing him in quite a familiar way. Which is fine, but I did find myself once again thinking: "I prefer it when people use their titles, and other people's titles."

There's no self-interest in this belief, since I have no title, unless it's "Mister".

It seems more suitable, and interesting, to address a Bishop as "Your Grace" rather than "Bishop", as the host was doing. (Although I've just seen that American bishops are generally addressed as "Your Excellency", and "Your Grace" is reserved for Archbishops-- which is interesting in itself.)

My job involves emailing academics a lot, and I greatly enjoy addressing them as Dr Such-and-Such or Professor What's-His-Face. They worked hard to get that title. (Even if they're a doctor of Media Studies or a Professor of Women's Studies or something.)

It's only a small thing, but I think it adds a little bit of colour to life.

Congratulations To Me

I'm awarding myself the Basil Fawlty Award for not mentioning the war-- I mean the thing-- you know, the thing that every other Catholic blog on the face of the earth is talking about. (Well, not blogs per se. There aren't any blogs anymore-- this is the last Catholic blog, except its sister blog across the Irish Channel. I mean Catholic YouTube channels and Substack columns and the like.)

On the one hand, why can't the Vatican duh duh duh. What about the German bishops duh duh duh. On the other hand you can't openly defy duh duh duh.  Faults on both sides duh duh duh let's pray for reason to prevail duh duh duh. Large families duh duh duh homeschooling duh duh duh accusations of Pharisaism duh duh duh go back to the actual documents duh duh duh.

I almost mentioned it there but I think I got away with it.